Salaam Alaikum,

Recently, I have been torn between drastic feelings-- ambiguous, disillusional and somewhat disturbing. I'm not entirely sure if what I feel is absolutely right or not, but in my heart and mind, I feel that it truly is a test from Allah swt, and none other than Him.

Each time I feel lonely, upset, angry or confused, all I want to do is punch the wall and let that anger out. Unfortunately, I refrain; I literally hold myself back from kicking the wall or door down and most importantly, from bruising my weak and freakishly petite hands. I end up becoming extremely frustrated and obnoxious not only toward myself but to those around me and I can't help but feeling guilty after I have calmed down.

Now, after quite some time, I have come to accept the fact that despite whatever happens, whether bad or good, ALL of it is from Allah Swt as He is testing my patience and gratitude.
Being heartbroken hurts like no other and it's unfortunate that it's a mix of emotional and physical feeling. But today, after being busy the entire day and sitting down for a while in solitude, I've come to the conclusion that feeling such emotions is actually a blessing from Allah swt.

When my mind is racing through so many thoughts, feelings and bitter anger, I am able to safely assume that all these feelings will one day diminish InshaAllah and in the meantime, I can at least find something else to do to occupy my time. But simultaneously, such a feeling is a blessing because I am capable of doing things I would never have done. For example, ever since I began to feel a bit depressed and lonely, I started to become more religious. Not only did I want to prove everyone around me how wrong they may have been about my intentions and how I'm not motivated to do anything to prove my Imaan or Deen, I found myself going the extra two miles to prove them all wrong. And in the process, I actually enjoyed what I learned and after a while, instead of it becoming an activity to overturn someone's words, it became an act solely for the sake of Allah swt and no one other than that.

So, you know how they say that whatever happens happens for the best? They're right. Seriously, look where I am now and where I was months, even years ago. Before now, I used to waste my time on the net, sitting around for absolutely no one in general when I could be using that time wisely. Now, after removing all males from my messenger list, I am no longer waiting for anyone. Instead, I am using that time to read articles, watch lectures, watch videos and not just for entertainment but also for my own improvement in the knowledge area. Having a rush of such hurtful feelings have opened a whole new door for me that if it hadn't happened, I would otherwise be in that same box-- wasting my time, becoming bitter, and running around in circles.

There's no other feeling as great as wanting to please Allah swt and I feel such a blessing for all of this happening the way they did and I am even happier knowing that I am actually pleasing Allah swt. I'm no longer putting off salaat 'till the last minute, sitting idle, or procrastinating about anything in general. Finally, I am at content with myself, my intentions and any regrets I may have had. And all of this is from Allah swt. Being heartbroken, truly, is a blessing.

Wa Alaikum Salaam

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