Salaam Alaikum

Dear Allah,
I don't know how to address You and I'm sure it won't matter because You know what's in my heart and I'm pretty sure you know how much I love and respect You, with all my heart and strength.

For the first time in a month, I smiled today. It's true that You work in mysterious ways and I'm still trying to figure them out, but alas, I'm a mere servant of You and such knowledge would be beyond my capacities. You have lightened my heart so much. I know now that whatever happens happens for the best and for me to complain would entail me on questioning Your perfect judgement.

There are a few things I want You to know, and it's obvious You know. You know Allah, sometimes I get angry at You. And then I feel guilty because You treat my anger and bitterness with patience and love. When I feel really hopeless and helpless I know right away it's a test from You. Sometimes, I just want to pound my fist in the wall and hope it would come crumbling down. It's true. Things don't always go my way and I need to learn to accept that. It hurts that I invest my time and effort into things and people and at the end of the day, I am left bitter. If You know that I'm already hurt, what's the point of adding more hurt on top of another? I know there's a good reason for that and I shouldn't question You but please know that I'm not doing it out of anger but out of helplessness.

At other times, I become really blind to everything else. I have such a black and white perception of the world. I've never had a problem with that before but why is it that it matters? I don't understand why anyone would care. Someone would either love You, or not. There's no in between. And I just don't understand why it bothers anyone as to how I see things and more importantly, I don't get why it bothers me that that's how they see me as.

When You answer my duas, You make me feel very content with myself. I know You can hear me and see me and most importantly, I know that You love me. If everyone were to abandon me, it would make no difference because the love and compassion You show me everyday is so much and the love I receive from others is not even 1/1,000,000th close to Yours.

You know Allah, when I cry to You out of frustration, anger and confusion, I know You can see that and I can just hear You saying "I know you can do this Iya, I'm only testing you. When you're down and have nowhere to turn, You can turn to Me. That's what I'm here for. Know that I love you." Yes, that's very true. I need to turn to You more often.

Allah, I am so sorry. I hope You can forgive me for most of my sins. I have sinned and probably caused others to sin along with me and I have repented for every single one of them and have asked forgiveness for everyone involved. My only hope is that You will somehow be able to forgive me. Pleasing You is the only thing I am worried about because I feel like I anger You too much. I know I am sometimes selfish and I don't always do things in Your name but I hope to change that. Not only that, but also, I have hurt many people in the past, both intentionally and unintentionally. Please forgive me for that, too.

You have shown me so much kindness but most importantly, You have taught me the importance of patience and forgiveness. I do have a hard time forgiving people when I am left hurt and bruised but I guess I can't ask for forgiveness without forgiving them and myself, first and foremost. I hope You will continue to help me as I learn to grow and mature with time.

There are people who aren't always fortunate and I have become aware of how it feels to be left shattered and frustrated and I hope I have more gratitude for the simple things in life. All these trials and tribulations from You have strengthened me in one way or another. I am so glad I have turned to You today. Please shower Your Mercy, Love and Forgiveness upon me. I love You so much!

Love Always,
Mujahid E Musafir xXx ♥

Wa Alaikum Salaam