Rant #1: [deleted]


Rant #2: Bollywood Movies
You know what else ticks me off? Bollywood movies. So… you’re watching this superficial film, and blah blah blah, and then all of a sudden, they just emerge into this random song. It’s just amazing how music flows out of nowhere, and people dress so dramatically in an instant. And the best part is that everyone knows which song they are singing and the dance, too! It’s so mysterious, yet so magical. Gosh, if you want to make a film seem as realistic as possible, then cut out those songs and dances, as entertaining as they are! Get creative and original, and put them perhaps at the end of the movie or in between as a show or something.


Rant # 3: Rachael Ray
I hate this woman so badly. All she does is talk and talk and talk. She never shuts up. She just blabbers on and forgets to tell you what in the world she is putting in the bowl or what portion of it. I guess it all tastes good in the end, even though you pour two containers of salt in it.


Rant # 4: Solid Food and Fruity Meat
You know those cooking shows where they are supposed to have scrumptious food and all? Well, it starts out all fine-shine, but then they start adding oranges and ice-cream and lettuce, and tomatoes, and all those solid foods into their pasta or soup. That’s nasty! What is more gross than that is when they dip meat in apple, or put pomegranates or inject fruit punch into chicken or whatever. Grr.. what happened to simple fried chicken and salad without ice cream? Might as well just put some dog waste on top of the already contaminated ice-cream, and it will probably just warm your taste buds. Morons.


Rant #5: People with Bad Spelling and Grammar
It’s bad enough that you have bad spelling and grammar, but what else throws one off are those weird spellings that are supposed to seem “cool.” Ex: “yo dude, wAt up? $o dis iz ma noo mUzIk, u lyKe? yAh, i nO itz oFf da shEezy.” What in the world is that supposed to be? God!


Rant #6: “Bomb” in an airport
I almost made this mistake a few months ago. It’s sad we can’t use that anymore. “Gosh man, this airport is da bomb!” or “Dude, your baggage is da bomb.” or “You’re da bomb!” or “The new bottle of water in your luggage is da bomb!”. Muahahha hahaha (pause) hahaha. But, all in all, I guess it’s for everyone’s personal safety, as always.


Rant #7: Arabic Women Singers
This really gets me turned off. So, you hear all these talented singers like Amr Diab and Tamer Husni, and you wonder if they have their songs as a female version. Turns out they do. Oh my goodness. Lord knows what happened, but all you hear is a piece of paper stuck in the woman’s throat and air ruffling through it, much like a card on the wheel of a bicycle. Anyway, all those Arab women sound the same when they sing. Either they have very high pitched voice or rather very low voices. They should stick to the Johnny Cash Method: Talking throughout their songs.


Rant #8: Girls and Cameras
We have stupid assemblies and dumb parties and moronic events, like students speaking. Yes, so I must be very talented and it probably is a one-time chance to get in front of the whole school and introduce myself to the student body. How talented am I? And then you have all these girls taking pictures like “Oh my gosh… this is like so ah-mah-zing, like totally!” And why is it cute to pout your lips and face when taking a picture? It’s disgusting… not cute! Wherever you go, you have these shallow girls with a digital camera taking 250 pictures for one dumb event. It’s so annoying. And what’s more annoying is when they post your pictures online to the rest of the frivolous world to see, without your consent. A job well done. *Rolls eyes.*


Rant #9: Beauty Pageants
If people are supposed to be beautiful in the inside, as celebrities and many people comment on, then what are the reasons behind these beauty pageants? Oh and the best part is when they reassure you that much of it has to do with intelligence, not just beauty. Then why not call it “Intelligence Pageants.” Hypocrites.
Note: I am not against Arabs or any groups or any sects for that matter. Jazak'ALLAH 5air!


Rant #10: People who don’t own a map.
Example:
Jordanian: Mar7aba
Me: Hi.
You’re from America right?
Me: Yah.
Jordanian: Are you Indian?
Me: No.
Jordanian: Are you Jordanian?
Me: No.
Jordanian: Are you an Arab?
Me: No.
Jordanian: Are you Muslim?
Me: Yes
Jordanian: How can you be Muslim and not an Arab? Did you convert?
Me: No, I did not convert. There are Muslims everywhere.
Jordanian: Are you Pakistani?
Me: No.
Jordanian: Then?
Me: I’m Bengali. I’m originally from Bangladesh.
Jordanian: That’s in India right?
Me: No.
Jordanian: Say something in Hindi.
Me: [In my thoughts: Jesus, help me!]


Rant #11: Repetition of Arabic terms.
Yaser: Mar7aba 3abdallah!
3abdallah: Mar7aba Yaser. How is it going?
Yaser: Oh you know, ya3ni, it’s going good, ya3ni Alhamdulillah, ya3ni. Ya3ni, what about you?
3abdallah: Ya3ni, Alhamdulillah, ya3ni, I got my MASTERS in 3arabic, ya3ni.
Yaser: Ya3ni, Congratulations! Ya3ni. Ya3ni, did you hear about the little girl that ya3ni hung herself, ya3ni, yesterday, ya3ni.
3abdallah: Ya 7aram! Ya3ni that is so sad, ya3ni. Ya3ni, why?
Yaser: I don’t know, ya3ni, I heard ya3ni she wanted to make ya3ni falafels for breakfast, but ya3ni, you know how conservative her family is. Ya3ni, they only allow falafels for ya3ni Friday morning breakfasts. Ya3ni, she was devastated. Ya3ni, very sad case, ya3ni.
3abdallah: Ya3ni, indeed, ya3ni.
You see what I mean? Gosh… just shut up and quit with the “ya3nis.”


Rant # 12: Boys who call girls “handsome”
Yes, this has happened. Why can’t people get the fact that “handsome” is associated with males and not females? A guy once said “Oh, you’re so handsome, so tall, strong and buff like a cherry tree.” Yes… and he said that to a girl. So weird.


Rant # 13: Word confusion
There should be a law against using big words with smaller kids. When I was young, we were given this packet info that said “Attendance for meeting is mandatory.” Somehow, my puny little brain interpreted “mandatory” as “optional” and went home and delightedly told my parents the meeting was optional and that we shouldn’t waste our time attending it. Boy, was I ignorant. I could have used the dictionary, but I didn’t.


Rant # 14: Obnoxious People
Wallahi, I had to spend 6 months with 2 obnoxious girls. They have absolutely NO compassion, modesty or appreciation or consideration for anyone but themselves. In general, I so badly wanna push someone in front of me who hog their hideous forms over a table, block ways or don’t even have the decency to apologize after stepping on and ripping the strap of my beautiful, new shoes. Gosh, arrogant much?!


Rant # 15: Know-it-alls
You probably know who you are if you are one. You know those kind of people who correct every grammatical error, political misinformation or whatever mistake you make? Jeez, so annoying.
Iya: So who are you voting for?
Hakim: Excuse me sis, but you mean “whom,” right?
Iya: “Whom” my tequila, son!
Seriously man and all they say is “Techinically” and “basically.” If it’s so basic, do you need to say “basically” 78 times in an explanation? Hold it there partner, before you get a technical difficulty yourself.


Rant # 16: People who leave you for your friends
I hate it when this happens. It’s so common in like movies and shows.
So as an example:
Zahir loves Jen and Jen loves Zahir. They were made for each other.
Fast forward a few months ahead.
Zahir: So Jen, I think it’s time to move on, go our separate ways.
Iya: *trembling* But why?
Zahir: Well Jen, in order to answer your question, we have to tie our relationship into what Islam permits and doesn’t.
Iya: Aww Zahir, you’re leaving me to become a better Muslim. That is so sweet, MashaAllah. Let’s be “just friends.”
Zahir: Err, yah, sure!
And then you find out that stupid Zahir is off chasing your best friend for all the wrongs reasons-- for all the reasons they are SO wrong for each other. What the hell happened to “I’m trying to become a better Muslim and you’ll be preventing me from it if I stay with you and then try to marry you.” Yah, Zahir. Job well done, hypocrite. A guy and a girl can NEVER be “just friends.” Instead, he/she will break that precious friendship to form a new one with someone he/she may have no compatibility with whatsoever. “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold.”


Rant # 17: Movies with NO Ratings
Once in a while, it would be nice if Bollywood can put this little inexpensive sticker or even take a Sharpie and rate their movies. I’m pretty sure the director has no problem seeing his actor brother grapple the actress in what they call a form of “art.” However, there are people, you know, who have some modesty and shame, something which lacks in the fame world, and for those people, it would be nice once in a while when they sit in front of a so-called “family movie” and not have to worry about pretending to sleep when an inappropriate scene comes on. There’s only so much you can do in order to decrease that embarrassment but seriously, it’s so annoying and inconvenient when I’m sitting with my family to watch a “hi-fi, cool shool movie” and then I have to pretend to “get the phone” so I can avoid being in the presence of everyone else.


Rant # 18: People who stare
OMG wth is wrong with people who stare? I swear, I used to go home from school and back and forth and there will be men and women STARING at me. Lemme rephrase: DESI men and women. It’s so stupid. And then I just stare back at them until they change their gaze. And then you have people who stare at you like 3 centimeters away from your face. Yah, hello…. It’s obvious I can see it. I have something called “peripheral vision,” too!


Rant # 19: People who stand too close
It just makes it harder to say anything at all… seriously. Especially if it’s a male and all I’m doing is backing away and all he’s doing is inching forward. No. To be honest, it’s worse if they are females. Whenever I wanna say something to someone and they can’t hear me [b/c I have a quiet voice] all they do is come forward to my face! I don’t get why they can’t put their ears next to my mouth and not their face on top of mine. It’s just uncomfortable.


Rant # 20: Humps/Bumps
I’m sorry if this is offensive for you, but don’t take it personally. You know that new hairstyle or whatever where the girl creates a huge pouf on the top of her head starting from the front to the crown? Omg that’s SO annoying to look at. It’s not even attractive if not done properly and most of them suck at doing it. There’s this girl who lives down the road from me and she always digs a HUGE one, like not even medium, but huge. I think there’s a camel living on her head. Somehow, she is able to balance her already heavy head—which by now is topped with 67 gallons of hair gel and hair spray and another 45 bobby pins. What a feat!


Rant #21: Americans
I think we’re the #1 hated group on the face of Planet Earth! I love being in a country with such an intense spotlight. Whoot whoot for us.
Mujahid E Musafir ©2009