* Black= Mujahid E Musafir
* Maroon= Kimi

*DISCLAIMER: Mujahid E Musafir has never been on a date and probably never will. Please read with caution. Anything said or written in no way represents Kimi. Please take all your allegations and feel free to sue Mujahid E Musafir. However, keep in mind that in the court of Mujahid E Musafir, bias and critical commentary will be enforced. All rights reserved.*

Now, being Mujahid E Musafir’s shadow comes with many advantages, one of them being I can read in between the lines ofMujahid E Musafir’s words. This sweet sensible stuff is really not at all what she means, so I’m here to give it to you straight. I promised Kimi Kommentary and here it is.

Hahha I was going through my old journals and I found my contract-- the rules and regulations for dating Iya if it was halal.
I also had a list of 50 people on my Death List but I flushed those 2 journals down the toilet because they reminded me of someone horrible.
I was rereading some stuff and writing about my imaginary friends when I came across a flyer I made back in Freshmen year that I handed out to all the guys, except guys don’t go to my school, so I handed it out to all the girls---rules, regulations, stipulations and dreams for dating Iya, if dating was halal. I also am Emo so naturally I had a death list which I burned for fear of someone finding it and killing me before I got a chance to kill them.

I wrote it 2 days before my birthday. Please don't laugh... I understand it's stupid and I was more immature 2 years back.
I wrote it 2 days before my imaginary boyfriend’s birthday so I could give it to him as a present. Please laugh. I know I was laughing like crazy when I read them [It’s true. Mujahid E Musafir laughed like a maniac when we were reading them]. I understand it’s stupid and immature but hello, I’m Iya. Get used to it! 

So, here I go:
Ok. Once upon a time in a land far, far, far away in my imagination...

Bismillah Al-Ra7man Al-Ra7eem

November 27 2008

Iya's 53 Rules of Dating [If Dating was 7alal]

1. You must be a Muslim by choice and practice.
Meaning: Your Mommy and Daddy aren’t making you pray or fast or be a Muslim. They can’t say "*insert name* pray or else I’m taking your Xbox!” so you run and pray but the whole time you’re thinking “Dude, I was totally about to score that goal!” or “Shoot that cop!"

2. I don't care what your background is, but don't ever feel superior or inferior to mine, because you definitely don't have the upper hand at all, or the lower hand either.
Meaning: I don’t care who you are. I’m better than you! Get over it!

3. If you feel you're racist toward a certain group, your reasons better reflect yourself.
Meaning: I really don’t know what this means. I was just trying to sound smart. I think what I mean is you can’t be racist unless it’s against yourself? I think. [It’s true. I asked Mujahid E Musafir what she meant by that and she said she didn’t know; she was trying to be smart and she forgot what she meant by this rule.]

4. You do not have the right to copy, reproduce, alter, distribute, etc. any of my personal items, properties [including pictures, videos, music, media] without consent, in whole or in part. Failure to comply with these rules definitely results in copyright infringement.
Meaning: I’m trying to become famous. How am I gonna do that when you all are selling my photos, videos, music, media without my phone number on it?! 

5. According to me, you do not have the right to post any material to any online media that reflects upon me. This includes photos, videos and recordings. You may not edit my photos, etc, or post any photos with me in them without my consent.
Meaning: Only I can put my face on kittens, samosas or someone’s body because I’m too pretty for you people to use your inferior editing programs! [It’s true. Iya is really gorgeous/hot, Masha-Allah.]

6. Wearing a hijab is my choice. Don't tell me how you want me to wear it if I don't ask you.
Meaning: I really don’t care what you think! You’re just jealous I’m hot!

7. You can have as many female friends as you want and I can have as many male friends as I want.
Meaning: You can cheat on me if I can cheat on you. See, we both can be happy!

8. If you can't talk over problems, then it's over.
Meaning: When we fight, admit you’re wrong and if we figure out I’m wrong, admit you’re wrong, anyway!

9. I'm not your personal property. Treat me with respect and I'll treat you like a King that feeds me samosas, ice cream and whipped cream in bed... maybe.
Meaning: I’m not your property. I really own you. Don’t forget it!

10. You are obligated to feel guilty about being dishonest. But, please, under no circumstances should you feel guilty for being honest.
Meaning: If you lie, you’re dead! And if you tell the truth, you live. Simple enough, right? WRONG! If your honesty causes me any pain or grief, you’re dead!

11. I have a life and so do you. Don't be mad and jealous if I spend time alone without you with my friends.
Meaning: I have friends. You might not, but I do. When I ignore your calls, don’t respond to texts and don’t reply to emails, assume I’m watching a movie with the girls. And don’t assume I’m acting upon rule number 7 because I’m not... on weekdays.

12. Screaming, yelling and cursing at me are off limits.
Meaning: If you insult me, it’s over! But I’m free to call you “biatch” and “assh*le” as much as I like.

13. Once you ignore me, expect a break-up.
Meaning: Although I can ignore your calls, don’t you ever ignore mine! I don’t care if you were stranded at sea, and then crashed on a deserted island where you had to eat coconuts for a month! You better answer my call! You have AT&T. They get bars everywhere!

14. Don't expect phone calls when you can't make any.
Meaning: I really don’t call people that don’t call me first. So call me. Otherwise, I’ll stalk you! [It’s true. Iya barely initiates a phone call because she doesn’t like speaking. Unless it’s a hot guy. Then she’ll call him 24/7.]

15. I don't like "used properties." Prepare to be pure or else don't bother.
Meaning: “Aww. You’re so sweet and pure. What? You’re not exactly pure. You’ve talked to other girls and missed prayers before. *Gasps.* Good-Bye!”

16. I'm not your "girlfriend" but one of your "intimately close friends."
Meaning: I’m only looking for fun. I’m not into the whole commitment thing. Besides, you’re not going to get anywhere with me so don’t get your hopes up! 

17. Don't ever say “I Love You” unless you mean it.
Meaning: You better tell me you love me 5 times a day and you better mean it like your life depends on it! (Because it does.) And if you don’t mean it, fake it really, really well.

18. Don't ever say “I can't live without you," “You are my world," "I love you more than anything" or anything else along that line. Chances are you're a drama freak.
Meaning: You can tell me you love me. But again, I’m not into commitment. Once you start to sound clingy, get out!

19.  Don't say anything unless you're sure it's appropriate.
Meaning: And by “appropriate,” I mean “praises me highly.” If it doesn’t, don’t say it!

20. My body is off limits.
Meaning: You’re not getting anything. Don’t think you’re lucky because you’re nothing special! 

21. If you hurt me, expect to be hurt back twice as much.

Meaning: If you hurt me, you’re gonna regret it, twice! One time from me and the other from Mama Star Kimi!

22. If you want a break-up, be open and honest about it.
Meaning: If you want to break up, just tell me so I can kill you before you get a chance to leave me! 

23. If you play hard to get, I play "I don't care." It's quite easy to move on.
Meaning: If you think your playing cool and macho is going to get me, you’re so wrong! I got plenty others. You’re just a rebound for the next hour until the other one comes back online.

24. Respect my culture and traditions.
Meaning: Don’t hate; appreciate… ME!!!

25. Respect my family and stature and religion.
Meaning: Love, respect, understanding... or the gun.

26. Don't lie and cheat. If you're caught, it's instant revenge.
Meaning: You’re totally allowed to lie and cheat. Just don’t get caught. If you get caught, it’s GAME OVER!

27. Don't gossip and talk behind my back.
Meaning: If you have something to say to me then say it to my face, not my back. I’ll understand and you’ll understand why you’re missing teeth and have a black eye.

28. You're just one individual. Your friends are NOT just limited to you, so don't get upset if I befriend them.
Meaning: Don’t be mad at me when your friends think I’m cooler [and hotter] than you.

29. I occasionally would like to have fun. Don't be afraid to joke around.
Meaning: Don’t take me serious, ever! Unless I’m being serious, then don’t joke around! [It’s true. Iya’s never serious unless she otherwise states so.]

30. I'd like you to know me very well and feel comfortable around me.
Meaning: You must, must, must talk to me at least 5-6 hours a day for the rest of your life in order to get to know me because yes, I’m that crazy.

31. I'd like to see you point me out to friends with pride, show me off and say "That's her."
Meaning: I’m hot. I know it. You know it. Your MOM knows it. So point it out to everyone you see.

32. Don't be afraid to make me smile and laugh.
Meaning: I know I’m crazy but I don’t have fangs so make me laugh and I won’t bite you!

33. It's okay to whisper in my ears.
Meaning: My ear is as close as you’re going to get so take advantage of my generosity.

34. I only give one chance. So be careful with what you say and do.
Meaning: Again, you’re just a rebound. You get 1 chance to make me like you but hurry up because I got a date with your buddy from school at 8.

35. Please, please, please don't make any promises if you know you can't keep them in the long run.
Meaning: People that tell me they’ll send me sand better send me sand! Otherwise, I’m gonna hunt you down!

36. Don't change your number, ignore me and act like you don't know what's going on hoping I'm an idiot. Chances are you'll get burned.
Meaning: Don’t bother changing your number. I’m a stalker, remember? I have your Social Security Number already. I can find you anywhere! [It’s true. This has happened before and Iya figured out the new number in a matter of days.]

37. I have revenge plans all laid out. Please be cautious.
Meaning: That’s really just a threat to see if you’ll test me. Honestly, I have no plans at all.

38. If you embarrass or humiliate me, expect one in return.
Meaning: Embarrass me and you’ll wear a bag over your face for the rest of your life.

39. Don't forward my number, email or address to anyone else without my consent.
Meaning: If you’re reading this and know of any hot single males, please send them my contact info.

40. Don't talk to my family members without my consent.
Meaning: My family... they don’t like me. They will tell you tons of lies about me being crazy and stalker-ish so don’t bother talking to them. [It’s true. This is the reason why Iya never introduces her friends to her family.]

41. If we ever have a break-up, don't go around acting like you don't know me. I don't always seek revenge in all cases. We can still be friends, depending on the situation.
Meaning: I’m so special you should be honored to even have had the chance to date me, even if it was for only 5 minutes! Wear the “I’M IYA'S EX” shirt I gave you proudly!!!

42. I don't always go on my revenge tactics. I'll let you know if I plan on enacting one on you.
Meaning: I’m really not good at revenge. So in my place, I shall send Kimi. And yes, she’s as evil as her name sounds.

43. If you don't give me a chance to explain or talk it over, expect an instant break-up followed by humiliation.
Meaning: When you catch me cheating, lying or eating your samosas, don’t say anything. Just smile and wave! 

44. Don't take advantage of me.
Meaning: Don’t mess with a girl that has a serial killer sidekick.

45. Revenge Plan # 21-b: Don't ask me to elaborate. Just know that it might happen if you break any 3 major rules.
Meaning: Whatever I say makes sense even if your little brain doesn’t understand it. Just make sure you don’t break rules unless you like broken bones.

46. You will sign this contract and receive a copy.
Meaning: In case you violate any of the things I have listed, please sign the paper so that I may sue you after you return home from the hospital.

47. Do not lie about me, my friends or family.
Meaning: You already know the penalty for lying.

48. If it does not have anything to do with you, don't worry about it.
Meaning: What I do is what I do. It has nothing to do with you so don’t worry. I’ll take good advantage of you and your money.

49. If you make a mistake, it's okay. But feel free to discuss it.

Meaning: I expect nothing less than perfection like me! If you make a mistake, prepare to be interrogated!

50. If you are concerned or want to improve anything, please be comfortable enough to talk it out. I'm willing to understand and be supportive.
Meaning: Willing to understand and be supportive... in your decision to change your ways and be more like me. 

51. Don't be constantly overworked and upset at over little things.
Meaning: The only one that can PMS is me!

52. Believe me when I say so, or at least give me a chance.
Meaning: Everything I say is the truth and if it’s not, everyone else, the books, the media is wrong. 

53. Never regret the things you do unless it's serious. A mistake is not a mistake, [unless] it's an opportunity to learn.

Meaning: Learn from everything I have just said. If you don’t, it could be the last mistake you ever make!

This Koncludes Kommentary with Kimi. Please join us next week as we discuss the effects of ice cream. :P

Hope you enjoyed our article.

Love always,

Mujahid E Musafir & Kimi M. A-W © 2008-Present


kimi said...


Iya said...

Hahah duhh!!!